Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I've Got Some Exshhhplaining To Do...

Hey everyone! So....I've been getting asked why I've dropped off the planet. Here's the scoop... *deep breath*

First off, after the American Crafter competition I was just sort of drained. Just the thought of a can of spray paint made my head start to throb. (I know, SO sad, huh.) So...I haven't even seen my glue gun in a month...and sadly I don't miss it yet. Hopefully I can re-kindle my love for crafts soon. But, I've got a lot of other things going on in life right now...I need to get those fixed before I can work on anything else. Hence the no posts...I figured you'd rather just not hear anything from me than hear me whine. ;)

I'm usually not a whiner...the problem is that I just hold everything in until I explode. Truth be told, I've just been having a hard time with life. I know how horrible this sounds....but do you ever just get tired of your life??? Lately, I have been. It's the same thing, day after day. Being a Mom is hard. We don't get to come home from work, put up our feet and turn on the TV to watch a game and relax. No, our job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Day shift AND night shift. Give. Give. Give. It's all we do, all day long. "Mom, I need this. Mom, Aaron hit me. Mom, do cows pee milk? Mom, I'm hungry. Mom, I'm bored. Mom, I think Kate is poopy and she's stinking up the house. Mom, this dinner is gross. I don't want to eat it. Mom, where are my shoes? Mom, what is a million trillion plus a zillion? Mom, Kate wiped a booger on me! Mom, I need such and such." Then, in between all of the "Mom, I...." there is the cleaning, and the cooking, and the cleaning up AFTER the cooking, and the laundry, and the shopping (remember the Shopping Trip of Horrors Post??? YEAH.), and the doing things for our church callings and civic duties and everything else we have to do. (Like trying to keep the husband happy. SIGH) And the saddest part? Everything we do is erased by the end of the day. I have nothing to show for all I've done by the time my husband comes home from work other than the appearance that I have been a total lazy slob. The kids have destroyed the clean house. My freshly mopped floor is sticky with spilled juice and graham crackers are smashed into the just vacuumed carpet. The bed I made this morning has been torn apart by three little monkeys jumping on the bed. The dinner I made is gone and all that is left are dishes for ME to clean up. The laundry I washed and folded and put away, somehow it's all dirty again. (And someone PLEASE tell me why boys can't seem to pee INTO the toilet bowl and not down the friggin sides of the toilet!?!) All the little things just start to build and build...and I just feel like I'm losing my mind! Sometimes I wish someone would just take care of me for a day, ya know? "Honey, why don't you go take a hot bath and relax, let me do the dishes." I feel like I have to do everything on my own. Probably because I do.

Then, there is my constant struggle with my weight. It's such a roller coaster! I've put on about ten pounds in the past month. I've just completely fallen off of the wagon. I stress eat and it is HORRIBLE. Why can't I stress eat celery or carrots? Seriously. Today I ate an entire bag of Lays Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips and a bag of Nutter Butter Bites. Sigh. That probably took care of my entire calorie allotment for the week! :(

The saddest part is that I'm already on anti-depressants. I've been on them for about a year now. (Hellooo Zoloft) So, I shouldn't be feeling so down. I've already upped my dosage to help me deal...but it's just not working. I feel like a crazy person because I'm on them...I hate knowing that I need them just to get through a day. It's embarrassing. But what else can I do? I remember what life was like when I wasn't on them, and it's not a place I want to go back to. But then, at the same time...I wonder if I'm sad because life is hard? Or am I sad because I'm chemically imbalanced? It's like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg.

Well, that's definitely enough whining for the day. If you made it through this whole post give yourself a big pat on the back! :) Hopefully I'll be back soon in full force. Thanks for all who checked in on me, I have such great blog BFF's! :)

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37 people leaving some love!:

Robyn said...

Amen sista! All us mommy's are crazy and in the same boat- you were brave enough to put it out there! Hang in there...it's just a phase- you will get through (I am sure thats just what you want to hear..huh? :))
Love your blog!
robynwheat.blogspot.com

Bonnie Sotelo Schoos said...

Sad! Your post made me tear up. I OFTEN feel as you do, nothing is appreciated and I have nothing to show for it. Hang in there! At the end of the day you have the love of your children, and that's the most important thing (not a clean house). As for the weight loss, I was in a constant struggle as well until I joined Weight Watchers 3 months ago. Best thing I've ever done for myself! Hang in there and keep your chin up :)

Christie Dawn said...

::HUGS:: I hope that it gets better soon for you! But I totally feel you! I gave up working to be a stay at home mom after I had my second kid(3 years ago). If I could have seen into the future that I would literally become a live in maid (not only to my kids, but to my husband as well)...then I probably would have just stayed working. Some days I really feel like there's no point in doing all that I do, because no one will notice or appreciate it! But I just do some deep breathing and give it all to God.

Jessica @ My World - Made By Hand said...

Your not alone sista...we all need a break sometimes.

Nicole@Thrifty Decorating said...

Hey Natalie....I completely understand. We just returned from "vacation" which is never a vacation because laundry still needs to be done, food cooked and children attended to....

Homeschooling just compounds it all because we are never....away....from...our....children!!!

I've been struggling with many of the same feelings....how do I still maintain sanity in the midst of all of this??

Praying for you!

Nama Halacy's Comfy Cottage said...

Wow, we do all have those days, or weeks or even longer, dont we? I have been where you are and it does not make for a fun life. What I know is this, you absolutely have to give yourself some you time, even if you have to get up a half an hour earlier each morning (I know sleep is a commodity and rare with children, but this is worth it)go for a walk alone, take a long bath, do yoga, do something you I love. I raised 5 kids within 4 years of each other and it was tough and I am just weaning off of my antidepressents but what helped me the most was realizing that I am worth having some time to myself. Your family will appreciate you more because you will feel better and you will appreciate them more because you feel better. Good luck sweety, I can tell by reading your blog that you are awesome, now you just need to tell yourself that!!

The Mursets said...

Thanks for your honest post. I think alllll Moms can relate- it is HARD work! Hang in there!

Melanie said...

This was a good post for me to read. It's comforting that all us moms are in the same boat. It is hard to be a mom and it's good to hear that it's hard for us all. Thanks for being so honest Nat.

Emily @ RemarkableHome said...

I could have written those first few paragraphs...i think all moms could, esp. SAHM's. I am emailing you...

marisa said...

I am going through the same thing. Im on prozac and just had a huge party for my son and now that its over I feel completely lost. Money is tight and I dont know my next step. My house looks like a bomb went off and I cant seem to get it get it together. Now that Im blogging its added so many new dimentions to my not-good-enough-itis. It seems that a lot of people are in this boat now, but its nice to know Im not nuts.

Lori said...

Natalie, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time. I do understand. I wish I was close to you and I'd come do your laundry and clean your house. Just a thought... it might be time for a meeting with your husband. If you work outside the home then he should be a happy helper in the home. Share that with him without being a nag!!! Start with just a few things. Schedule some time for yourself... make an appointment go do something you like and leave the kids with someone. I'm not sure of the ages of your kids but I saw a chore list for kids of all ages. you might google it. Even small kids can do things. I had 3 small ones 3.5 years apart and it's really hard to keep it all together. I will be praying for you. So glad to hear from you. I've been missing you. PS I also did the American Crafter and I was exausted and thankful when I was voted out. Blessings, Lori

Walking by Faith said...

Aw, thanks for sharing Nat! You're definitely not alone! As far as the blogging goes, we all need a break once in a while. As enjoyable as it is, there are just those seasons where everyday life must take priority, and the brief moments you have to yourself just might feel better put to use by doing something that doesn't involve sitting at the computer. As for the cycle of our days as mommies, AMEN GIRL! I feel the EXACT same way you do, every day, all the time, and I only have one baby! You are my hero! I'll be praying for you that life finds a way to calm down for a while and bring you the rest and relaxation that you need. ;)

nataliejw81 said...

Well said! I'm sad for but at the same time, i'm like, "Yay! i'm not the only one"! i think we put too much expectation on ourselves sometimes and life does get hard! Thank you for this post and being real. Some people in 'bloggyland' always look like they have EVERYTHING together ALL of the time! haha
God Bless!
Nataliejw81

Mike & Rachel Barton said...

Love you, Nat! I wish I could be over there to help you out. I'll have to watch the kids while I'm out there so you can have time.

Stephanie said...

Hey girl!!!! I've been thinking about you! Wondering where you've been! Lots of hugs to you! Remember a mother has the hardest and most demanding job ever! You are raising three wonderful kids and that's not an easy job! You are beyond amazing and I know that everything will "be sunny" once again! I wish I could come and help you out! xoxo

ByBy said...

Hey Nat, I'm sending you big hugs. I want you to know that you are not alone. I have days when I feel exactly like you described. Back in the time I even had a year like that... and I still don't have kids, so I know it is even harder. But keep your head up! I know you only from your blog and for a short time and you seem to me like a very special person, you deserve to feel good, so you can keep making these wonderful things and keep inspiring us. I know you don't feel appreciated but you have to be sure that's not true. One day when your kids grow older they will see what you've done for them, what they've learned from you and will be sooo thankful! Unfortunately for the moment they are too young to see all that (I was there...most of us actually were).
So, be positive and take time for the little things in life! Be grateful that your kids, husband and you are healthy and love each other...that's what matters, all the other stuff is just something that comes and goes...a carpet can stay dirty for one night it won't kill someone.
It turned out to be a long massage, but I wanted to tell you that I'm here and sending you my positive energy and warm hugs. If you need someone to talk you can count on me !
And don't forget what an amazing person you are !!!

The Yoder's Four said...

When school/ballet finally let out for the summer, I was so burnt out that I haven't done a single crafty thing since then. It's been nice having a break, but at the same time I've felt so BORED with my life and unmotivated. You can only cook and clean so much, you know???

Sorry about everything feeling crazy. I think we've all been there. And if your husband expects a perfectly clean house when he gets home every night with hot dinner on the table, then he needs a serious wake up call! Divvy up the chores for all household members to share!

Love you, Nat!!

Julie said...

I lost it on Tuesday so this was all fresh for me too. Want to know my big thrill? I walked across the street to the library, by myself! and read People and US Weekly. I was a little bugged that they were not the most recent ones that I wanted to read but it was nice nonetheless. Did I mention the by myself part? Love em but sometimes...

Nanci said...

Natalie,
I'm new to your blog, but your most recent post spoke to me. I'm not a mom, but I've heard from everyone I know who is a mom -- and they have all felt like you at one time or another.
As far as the depression, don't feel crazy because you have to take medicine, be thankful that something has been created to help you cope. I have been on antidepressants for about 10 years now, and while at times I wish I could just be "normal," I love how great I feel when my medicine is regulated. Perhaps you need to chat with your doctor about changing to a different antidepressant. It is very common that there comes a point where you need to try a new one because the current one just isn't doing the job.
Chin up, Natalie! By having a blog you have a virtual support system that will give you great encouragement and understanding. Good luck.

Amy said...

Wow! Your honestly is awesome! We all feel like that sometimes (okay, a lot of the time) and I think it's so good for others to read what you shared. I look at your amazing blog, beautiful house, home-schooling, and think "why can't I do all of that?" Some days I want to cry because I've swept our kitchen floor five times and it's still covered in food. It feels like a cycle and you can never get ahead. I try to remember this is a short season of life, and some day I'll wish I had little fingerprints all over everything. Praying for you.

Lisa said...

I LOVE YOU.

YOU. I LOVE YOU, for WHO you are.

I love you for your beautiful, talented, creative, giving, tender, loyal, dedicated, hilarious person you are.

I don't give a rat's ass if your house is clean or dirty. I couldn't care less if you have gained 10 lbs or dropped 20.

Guess what I have an apt. next week to talk to MY Dr. about Meds. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

And truth be told Natty, sometimes in order to take the BEST care of your family, YOU HAVE to stop and take CARE OF YOURSELF first. You can't take care of someone else if you are running on empty.

Me said...

Being a mom is so hard. Harder than every expected or ever explained. I totally understand wanting to curl up in the corner and just let time stand still with peace and quiet for awhile. Sounds like you need to take more mommy time. When and how I don't know, but make a date for yourself. Set Mike or your mom up with the kids and go out. Read a book, take a bath, take a walk, whatever gives you peace.

Keep your head up, you are not alone, and you are doing great, even if it doesn't feel like it. I remind Corey often that he didn't marry a maid, but a wife and I can't fulfill both duties daily. And I do work full time away from the house, that is hard too. Everyone says I have time away, but not really. I have time cleaning up other peoples problems and messes, even if my job is way rewarding. I still have to come home and do everything in a few hour time period, including playing a cuddling a cute little girl.

Moral of my story, it is okay to be down, but take some time for you Nat. I promise, Mike might be mad the house is a mess, but life goes on tomorrow, and don't let today get you down tomorrow.

LOVE YA!!!

Jess said...

I just want you to know that we all feel that way sometimes! Ok if not everyone else atleast i get that way. I had my huge meltdown about a little over a month ago. It got so bad i wanted to go on anti-depressents.(no insurance, so no doctors visit unless its horrible) I guess the best thing is when it finally stops and you get to feel normal again. I look back and wonder who that woman was. I feel for you and if you ever need to talk or anything give me a call!!! Or even better come for a visit!!!

Shelby said...

Oohh Natalie, Even though you don't hear it often, you ARE appreciated!! You are SUCH an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, Mother & Wife! Never let yourself think different. You have so many talents and you are an inspiration to many people including myself! Hang in there!! Things will get better in time. That is the only bad thing about it is waiting. Time can seem like it takes forever, but in reality this too shall pass. Keep your chin up and keep smiling!! (((HUGS)))

Jenni said...

OMGoodness honey, I feel like that all of the time too! Look at all these other mommies that were brave enough to tell you that they know just how you feel, that they love, and it will get better! I totally agree that cleaning the house is not a priority it is taking care of yourself! I wish I could give you a BIG hug right now! I know you need one. I will be thinking about you and praying that you find peace soon!
Jenni

My Life In Sketch Comedy said...

You are not alone! I stay at home with three small daughters and feel the very same way. I read this once in a magazine and when I am REALLY freaking about the house or kids being "just so", I think of it and it helps.

“You see this goblet? For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”
-Achaan Chah

I LOVE your blog and wish you happiness always!
~April

Anonymous said...

Not keen on commenting, but I do love your blog. I am a SAHM of a two and three year old, and I just have to say that I totally agree with your post. My two lifesavers are flylady.net for making life less chaotic and MOPS which gives me my kid free time. I missed your posts, and wanted to let you know that I am impressed that you get so much done. Keep it up! You totally inspire me!!!

The Mrs. said...

Man. Why do I still want to have kids? The joys of being a mother huh? I hope that you make it through, because one day your kids will be taking care of you, and wiping your stinky butt! :) Great vent - I wish you lived in good ole Stockton, Ca. I would let you go to the spa a couple times a week while I babysit! xoxo

Melissa said...

Hang in there! You see, I look at your life with your three beautiful kids and your nice house and look at what a talented crafty woman you are and feel completely jealous!!! I work all day at a meaningless job that I dread going to everyday, live in a little apartment and am sad that I'm not even a Mom! But no matter the situation, EVERYONE goes through sad times and I can relate to how you feel. (especially about the weight, it's way frustrating.) I hope things get better!

Amy said...

Hang in there! Life is full of valleys and peaks. It will get better.

Michelle @ Loving Every Second said...

Here's the thing - we really CAN'T do it all! I totally hear where you are coming from. The only way I can make it through the day sometimes is by treating myself to a nice, icy cold Diet Coke! And my husband so generously does the dishes on most nights. But you HAVE to have a break sometimes. Put a Girl's Night together with a group of your friends. You can do whatever the crap you want! That has helped me out so. much. Just having a little break once (or maybe twice . . .) a month. Hang in there! I've had a little bloggy break, too. Things get busy and blogging is not at the top of my list. Hope you get your crafting on soon - love what you do! Just come visit Melissa and we can all go to lunch :)

Love My Country Home said...

Natalie, you are not alone. I know so many moms that feel this way. It sounds like you have alot on your plate. At the end of the day just remember that your family is happy, you are showing them love through all the little things you do and receiving love in return. I struggled with that too and wish I would have enjoyed that time in my life more often. Have you read Made to Crave by Lysa TerKeurst? Wishing you brighter, happier, healthier days ahead.

Pam

Faye Hayes said...

I wonder if you need more then and anti-depressant. I am also on a mood stabilizer (Topomax) It also helps with weight loss. Good luck. I know how you feel. Love Ya

Richmond Thrifter said...

Oh how I can relate to this!!! The cows peeing milk thing totally got me!!! I'm right there with ya! Hang in there! Its gotta get easier, right!?!?!

Lolly Jane said...

nat youre darling & amazing! aaaaaaand being a mom is the most non-credited job out there. i often say to my hubby "man, what would it be like to leave for 10 hours, knowing your kids are being cared for, fed, entertained, cleaned up after, etc PLUS you get to walk into a clean home with the laundry done, bills paid, dinner ready?" seriously WHAT WOULD THAT BE LIKE?! idk cuz i'm the one doing it! BUT---it's the most important job out there. i'm amazed at the power of the blogging community. these other moms get it, even tho our other half's dont ;) love ya girl, you're awesome!!!

Kati said...

Wow... You completely summed up how I feel sometimes... "Am I sad because my life is hard or because I am chemically imbalanced." I feel like I am constantly telling my husband, "If only.... then I will be happier." Grrrr! Thanks for being so candid!

Angela said...

Thanks for being real. You just described how I feel on "those days"...without the hope of Jesus and knowing WHO I'm doing it all for I would have lost it by now.

Do you have daily time with the Lord? Normally, it's when I've gone several days without that I start spinning out of control....

now following....

you are loved by a great and mighty King!

angela