Tuesday, June 21, 2011

I've Got Some Exshhhplaining To Do...

Hey everyone! So....I've been getting asked why I've dropped off the planet. Here's the scoop... *deep breath*

First off, after the American Crafter competition I was just sort of drained. Just the thought of a can of spray paint made my head start to throb. (I know, SO sad, huh.) So...I haven't even seen my glue gun in a month...and sadly I don't miss it yet. Hopefully I can re-kindle my love for crafts soon. But, I've got a lot of other things going on in life right now...I need to get those fixed before I can work on anything else. Hence the no posts...I figured you'd rather just not hear anything from me than hear me whine. ;)

I'm usually not a whiner...the problem is that I just hold everything in until I explode. Truth be told, I've just been having a hard time with life. I know how horrible this sounds....but do you ever just get tired of your life??? Lately, I have been. It's the same thing, day after day. Being a Mom is hard. We don't get to come home from work, put up our feet and turn on the TV to watch a game and relax. No, our job is 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Day shift AND night shift. Give. Give. Give. It's all we do, all day long. "Mom, I need this. Mom, Aaron hit me. Mom, do cows pee milk? Mom, I'm hungry. Mom, I'm bored. Mom, I think Kate is poopy and she's stinking up the house. Mom, this dinner is gross. I don't want to eat it. Mom, where are my shoes? Mom, what is a million trillion plus a zillion? Mom, Kate wiped a booger on me! Mom, I need such and such." Then, in between all of the "Mom, I...." there is the cleaning, and the cooking, and the cleaning up AFTER the cooking, and the laundry, and the shopping (remember the Shopping Trip of Horrors Post??? YEAH.), and the doing things for our church callings and civic duties and everything else we have to do. (Like trying to keep the husband happy. SIGH) And the saddest part? Everything we do is erased by the end of the day. I have nothing to show for all I've done by the time my husband comes home from work other than the appearance that I have been a total lazy slob. The kids have destroyed the clean house. My freshly mopped floor is sticky with spilled juice and graham crackers are smashed into the just vacuumed carpet. The bed I made this morning has been torn apart by three little monkeys jumping on the bed. The dinner I made is gone and all that is left are dishes for ME to clean up. The laundry I washed and folded and put away, somehow it's all dirty again. (And someone PLEASE tell me why boys can't seem to pee INTO the toilet bowl and not down the friggin sides of the toilet!?!) All the little things just start to build and build...and I just feel like I'm losing my mind! Sometimes I wish someone would just take care of me for a day, ya know? "Honey, why don't you go take a hot bath and relax, let me do the dishes." I feel like I have to do everything on my own. Probably because I do.

Then, there is my constant struggle with my weight. It's such a roller coaster! I've put on about ten pounds in the past month. I've just completely fallen off of the wagon. I stress eat and it is HORRIBLE. Why can't I stress eat celery or carrots? Seriously. Today I ate an entire bag of Lays Salt and Vinegar Kettle Chips and a bag of Nutter Butter Bites. Sigh. That probably took care of my entire calorie allotment for the week! :(

The saddest part is that I'm already on anti-depressants. I've been on them for about a year now. (Hellooo Zoloft) So, I shouldn't be feeling so down. I've already upped my dosage to help me deal...but it's just not working. I feel like a crazy person because I'm on them...I hate knowing that I need them just to get through a day. It's embarrassing. But what else can I do? I remember what life was like when I wasn't on them, and it's not a place I want to go back to. But then, at the same time...I wonder if I'm sad because life is hard? Or am I sad because I'm chemically imbalanced? It's like asking which came first, the chicken or the egg.

Well, that's definitely enough whining for the day. If you made it through this whole post give yourself a big pat on the back! :) Hopefully I'll be back soon in full force. Thanks for all who checked in on me, I have such great blog BFF's! :)