Friday, May 2, 2008

My Epiphany

I hope this picture doesn't offend any of you. You will understand why this is here by the time you finish this post. To start off with, first a quick update on the kidneys. I still haven't gotten the results from any of the tests, but I got my antibiotics, they're in my system, and right now that's about all I care about! What I want to do in this post is to share the neatest experience I had last night. I was determined that since I had neglected my body for the past seven days and just took pain killers and ignored what my poor body was trying to tell me, that from now on I would just feel the pain and deal with it. Sort of to make it up to myself, I guess you could say. And suddenly I felt so disconnected from my body...it was the strangest thing. I was so lost in and aware of the feeling of my heartbeat, and my breathing and the feelings of my skin touching the sheets. I felt as if somehow I was separated from my physical body, but could feel what it feels through my spirit. I'm not sure how to really explain it. Suddenly I felt such overwhelming gratitude for this miraculous body and how hard it works just to keep me alive every moment of the day. When I shouted for joy to come to earth I promised our Father that I would take care of this body and protect it, and keep it holy and virtuous. And I felt such sorrow for not taking care of it, not just through this whole kidney infection, but through my whole life. This little body has gone through so much, since the first time it's tiny little delicate heart beat in my mother's womb, it's first gasp of life when it was born, it's first skinned knee, the miracle of building and bringing two healthy and whole babies into the world, the means to sustain these babies with nutrients to keep them alive, car crashes, operations, and all of the life experiences it has carried me through. It really has taken good care of me. What a miraculous gift for us to be trusted with! Then I exploded into tears. I cried tears of awe at the miracle of human life and how it truly is a miracle that all of the little intricate parts work together so perfectly, tears of sorrow for ever wanting or trying to take my life when it was never mine to take and not realizing my utter stupidity and selfishness, and ended with tears of utmost gratitude to Heavenly Father and to my beautiful body...and I don't mean that as in "I'm soooo hot", I mean, my beautiful body. With a heart that works every moment of every day and every night and never complains, a brain that registers all of this worldly chaos and somehow turns it into useful information and feelings and emotions and communication, for lungs that breath air and work so hard to supply oxygen to all of my systems, eyes to witness all of God's creations and the simple grins of my chocolate mustached children, skin to protect and let me feel the soft skin of my newborn babes, feel the sand between my toes and a loving caress of a husband. Then I promised to take better care of this body, and to never forget all it has done. And I promised not to get frustrated with it when it fails. It's doing the best job it can, and it has so much more work to do. And I am so eternally grateful that because of our Savior's resurrection and a Heavenly Father who loves us, I can be with this beautiful body that carried me through this life forever.

5 people leaving some love!:

Mike & Rachel Barton said...

Thank you so much for your post Nat. It sounds like you had a very special experience and thank you for sharing it. Our bodies truly are wonderful and it so great to know that the biggest reason we have this mortal experience is to gain a body. Our bodies allow us to gain these experiences away from our Heavenly Father. They allow us to make covenants; they allow us to help carry on our Heavenly Father's plan. Aren't we so lucky to have the truth?!? Love you so much!

Carolina mama said...

You are a beautiful child of God, inside and out. I love you very much.

Nick, Diana & Blaine said...

Wow that picture is amazing! What a miracle it is that our bodies are capable of growing another human life. Its amazing that those babies can fit inside of our tummies. I love your experience thank you so much for sharing. Gives me some things that I should think about and be more greatful for.

C2Hizzy said...

What a beautiful spirit you have Natalie. I love you.

Utley Family said...

Wow, Natalie! Thanks for reminding us of something that most of us take for granted!